Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy
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- Create Date：2022-04-11 06:52:18
- Update Date：2025-09-06
- Status：finish
- Author：Whitney Goodman
- ISBN：1398704873
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Summary
A powerful guide to owning our emotions--even the difficult ones--in order to show up authentically in the world， from the popular therapist behind the Instagram account @sitwithwhit
Every day， we're bombarded with pressure to be positive。 From good vibes only and life is good memes to endless advice to look on the bright side， we're constantly told that the key to happiness is silencing negativity wherever it crops up， in ourselves and others。 Even when faced with illness， loss， breakups， and other challenges， there's little space for talking about our real feelings--and processing them so that we can feel better and move forward。
But if all this positivity is the answer， why are so many of us anxious， depressed， and burnt out？
In this refreshingly honest guide， sought-after therapist Whitney Goodman shares the latest research along with everyday examples and client stories that reveal how damaging toxic positivity is to ourselves and our relationships， and presents simple ways to experience and work through difficult emotions。 The result is more authenticity， connection， and growth-and ultimately， a path to showing up as you truly are。
Every day， we're bombarded with pressure to be positive。 From good vibes only and life is good memes to endless advice to look on the bright side， we're constantly told that the key to happiness is silencing negativity wherever it crops up， in ourselves and others。 Even when faced with illness， loss， breakups， and other challenges， there's little space for talking about our real feelings--and processing them so that we can feel better and move forward。
But if all this positivity is the answer， why are so many of us anxious， depressed， and burnt out？
In this refreshingly honest guide， sought-after therapist Whitney Goodman shares the latest research along with everyday examples and client stories that reveal how damaging toxic positivity is to ourselves and our relationships， and presents simple ways to experience and work through difficult emotions。 The result is more authenticity， connection， and growth-and ultimately， a path to showing up as you truly are。
Reviews
Jamie K
，
A great introduction to how ~good vibes only~ can go wrong。 I wanted something a little bit more in-depth， but that's not what this book is trying to do， and that's fine。 It's a great place to start。 A great introduction to how ~good vibes only~ can go wrong。 I wanted something a little bit more in-depth， but that's not what this book is trying to do， and that's fine。 It's a great place to start。 。。。more
Samah Alnashi
，
This is so true， there’s a lot of toxic positivity out there and the art of shaming people。 I feel like we can’t even say we are upset or sad without being met with “oh be more grateful”。 Emotions and feelings are in us for a reason。 Lets be more open minded about them。 I recommend this book - even if it’s just jumping through chapters that speak to you more than others。 Great learning curve and eye opener！
anklecemetery
，
Goodman is practical and concise in her approach to cultivating or maintaining mental health。 I really appreciated the notes she provided about the purpose of negative feelings， and the ways in which conflict can serve as a way of examining one's health and relationships。 Each chapter is bracketed by scripts or steps that can help readers build their own skills and understanding， and her tone is kind without being permissive。 It's not the be-all， end-all approach， but it's a refreshing break fro Goodman is practical and concise in her approach to cultivating or maintaining mental health。 I really appreciated the notes she provided about the purpose of negative feelings， and the ways in which conflict can serve as a way of examining one's health and relationships。 Each chapter is bracketed by scripts or steps that can help readers build their own skills and understanding， and her tone is kind without being permissive。 It's not the be-all， end-all approach， but it's a refreshing break from unrelenting positivity （which can make yours truly feel pretty alienated！）。 。。。more
Kelly
，
We live in a relentlessly positive culture？ On what planet？ 🤦🏻♀️
Hussain Abbas
，
This is an extremely important book to read。 There are some topics which I found very difficult to relate to and I could only reflect how deep is the need for me to feel positive that I can’t think of any other way。 That said， I still think that the author is being quite forceful with the notion of the prevalent positivity causing harm。 I suppose this is because the “need” to see positivity in everything is so ingrained in our psyche that we need a strong forceful argument in opposition。 To be f This is an extremely important book to read。 There are some topics which I found very difficult to relate to and I could only reflect how deep is the need for me to feel positive that I can’t think of any other way。 That said， I still think that the author is being quite forceful with the notion of the prevalent positivity causing harm。 I suppose this is because the “need” to see positivity in everything is so ingrained in our psyche that we need a strong forceful argument in opposition。 To be fair， the author does include caveats and calls to context but they are few。 Only in the last section do I feel that there was a balanced contrast between toxic positivity and balanced positivity。I have written a more elaborate review on my blog at http://blog。husainad。com/toxic-positi。。。。 。。。more
Gizzard
，
Good book with actual suggestions on how to be more supportive when we are uncomfortable。 I'm not a fan of relentless positivity， so I'm probably biased。 Good book with actual suggestions on how to be more supportive when we are uncomfortable。 I'm not a fan of relentless positivity， so I'm probably biased。 。。。more
Marit
，
De premise van dit boek is goed: het kaart het fenomeen toxic positivity in de 21e eeuw aan， onderbouwd met sterke voorbeelden en consequenties。 Ik was aanvankelijk dus ook enthousiast over het boek， en leerde veel over dit veelvoorkomend en soms zelfs ondermijnende gedrag waar zovele van ons （al dan onwetend） ons schuldig aan maken。 De aangedragen oplossingen zijn goed， de strekking is vaak luisteren， doorvragen， empathisch zijn。 En dit alles neergezet in de eerste drie hoofdstukken。 De zes hoo De premise van dit boek is goed: het kaart het fenomeen toxic positivity in de 21e eeuw aan， onderbouwd met sterke voorbeelden en consequenties。 Ik was aanvankelijk dus ook enthousiast over het boek， en leerde veel over dit veelvoorkomend en soms zelfs ondermijnende gedrag waar zovele van ons （al dan onwetend） ons schuldig aan maken。 De aangedragen oplossingen zijn goed， de strekking is vaak luisteren， doorvragen， empathisch zijn。 En dit alles neergezet in de eerste drie hoofdstukken。 De zes hoofdstukken die daarna kwamen voegde echter niet veel meer toe， en haalde voor mij het boek zelfs een beetje onderuit。 De voorbeelden en oplossingen reeds gegeven werden op een nieuw onderwerp vanaf een nieuw perspectief weer toegepast， maar de boodschap was keer op keer hetzelfde。 Het ging al heel gauw vervelen。 Daarbovenop voelde de toon van mij op met einde wat betuttelend。 Ik voelde mij door de schrijfstijl bij vlagen zowel een 'snowflake' als 'Karen'， soms een naïef kind die de basis van sociale vaardigheden nooit heeft geleerd。 Ik kon me ook niet altijd in het het zwarte witte beeld van het geschetste midden vinden。 Dit boek is zó correct en zó gefocust op uiterste en extremen vermijden dat het voor mij weer een beetje doodsloeg。 Tot slot kwamen zoveel scenario's en mogelijke antwoorden aan bod dat ik als resultaat er bijna geen van heb onthouden; het leek teveel op elkaar en voelde daardoor niet meer als één krachtig statement。 Een samenvatting/essay van 5 pagina's had de boodschap een stuk sterker over kunnen brengen。All by all een 2。5， naar boven afgerond， omdat het initiële probleem dat werd aangekaart wel goed is。 。。。more
H
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It is truly incredible how prescient the Kids in the Hall film Brain Candy truly was。 "The only way to be happy is to know you won't be happy every single day" It is truly incredible how prescient the Kids in the Hall film Brain Candy truly was。 "The only way to be happy is to know you won't be happy every single day" 。。。more
Kimberly Mccune
，
Love the concept and subject， but my god was this book repetitive。 I think it would have been more powerful as a long-form article but I guess that would have lacked the legitimacy of a published book。
Annmarie
，
2022 Listen #24（much of this resonated with me）
Lia
，
Listened on audiobook。 The author poses some new and novel ideas to commonly accepted ideas about positivity in modern society。 This book considered lived experiences of minority groups in an ethical way。 The author also offers specific tools and concepts that the reader can apply to their own life。 Easy to read and interesting - worth a read！
Rebecca
，
Thanks to TarcherPerigree for a gifted copy of this book for honest review。This book felt like validation。 Life is not perfect， and we can't positive think our way into forcing it so。 Whitney Goodman's book illuminates the ways we minimize our feelings and realities， and those of others， when we focus on "good vibes only" no matter the cost。 This has great questions for self reflection and helpful suggestions on ways to communicate with others， whether that be to let them know that their platitu Thanks to TarcherPerigree for a gifted copy of this book for honest review。This book felt like validation。 Life is not perfect， and we can't positive think our way into forcing it so。 Whitney Goodman's book illuminates the ways we minimize our feelings and realities， and those of others， when we focus on "good vibes only" no matter the cost。 This has great questions for self reflection and helpful suggestions on ways to communicate with others， whether that be to let them know that their platitudes are unhelpful， or how to actually support someone who is currently， or chronically， going through challenging circumstances。 I appreciated the chapters that specifically acknowledged issues of discrimination and their impact on positivity。 Goodman isn't advocating for wallowing in negativity， but instead validating that life isn't an Instagram highlight reel and that we have to allow space for hard things。 。。。more
Darnell
，
Too wholesome and self-helpy for my taste， but probably a good corrective。
Michelle Hung
，
It started off pretty good and just felt repetitive after。 Also， I couldn't help but notice how she used the word "complained" when describing how her patients shared something with her。 Overall I understand the theme of toxic positivity but some of the "toxic" comment examples she listed didn't actually seem toxic to me， while some of her suggestions on appropriate things to say sounds like a cop out response to me。 I think overall toxic positivity depends on the receiver and how they process y It started off pretty good and just felt repetitive after。 Also， I couldn't help but notice how she used the word "complained" when describing how her patients shared something with her。 Overall I understand the theme of toxic positivity but some of the "toxic" comment examples she listed didn't actually seem toxic to me， while some of her suggestions on appropriate things to say sounds like a cop out response to me。 I think overall toxic positivity depends on the receiver and how they process your response。 If it's not what they want to hear， they might feel misunderstood or alone which I guess in this case would be considered toxic positivity。 If it is what they want to hear then they'll feel supported。 But how is anyone supposed to know exactly what is right thing to say when everyone reacts differently？ Rather than telling readers what is appropriate vs not， I think it wouldve been more helpful if she shared advicd on how to clearly communicate your intentions and thoughts so it doesnt come off as toxic positivity to the other person。 。。。more
Pallu
，
I am a repeated offender of giving myself and others toxic positivity。 Goodman defines the toxic positivity and identifies where toxic positivity exists in the wild。 How can we manifest， affirm， complain， recognize systems of oppression， and discover our values instead of covering them up a mantra or it’s fine。 It’s a delicate balance and this author note really hit home。“There is immense power in knowing when you need compassion and when you need a kick in the pants。 Sometimes you need one and I am a repeated offender of giving myself and others toxic positivity。 Goodman defines the toxic positivity and identifies where toxic positivity exists in the wild。 How can we manifest， affirm， complain， recognize systems of oppression， and discover our values instead of covering them up a mantra or it’s fine。 It’s a delicate balance and this author note really hit home。“There is immense power in knowing when you need compassion and when you need a kick in the pants。 Sometimes you need one and sometimes you need both。 We have to dance the delicate dance of validation and pushing ourselves。 Too much of either is not going to end well。” 。。。more
Cristina
，
The book has a few good points and an important message， but it’s pretty repetitive and general。
Kato
，
I admire and have learned much from Whitney’s prior writings on toxic positivity。 However， perhaps because I had read these and am a fellow psychotherapist， I found myself skimming through sizeable portions of the book。
Miranda
，
I just love her take on so many things。 I really enjoy how she explains being human。 Follow her on Instagram @sitwithwhit And of course， my favorite quote or well part- If you grew up being told to keep your emotions to yourself and that anything negative should be concealed， you may have learned that showing emotions would just get you into more trouble， so you kept everything inside because it was easier that way。 You learned that independence is a virtue and needing people is a weakness。On th I just love her take on so many things。 I really enjoy how she explains being human。 Follow her on Instagram @sitwithwhit And of course， my favorite quote or well part- If you grew up being told to keep your emotions to yourself and that anything negative should be concealed， you may have learned that showing emotions would just get you into more trouble， so you kept everything inside because it was easier that way。 You learned that independence is a virtue and needing people is a weakness。On the outside they are thriving， and on the inside they don’t know how to get their needs met。 They don’t know how to connect or share they don’t even know they’re allowed to。 Remember that your need for attention and connection is primal。 There is no metal or award for handling everything yourself。 There’s no trophy for being the most independent or the “strongest”。 You’re not weak because you need people and you need support。 It’s OK to express your emotions it’s what makes you human。 。。。more
Dave Irwin
，
This is a phenomenal book。 Not your typical pop psychology drivel。 Excellent， practical advice throughout from an expert who not only works as a real psychologist but also shares their expertise over social media。 I didn't know much about the book before I started reading it。 I thought it would be a history of MLM marketing or something。 A truly helpful dive into toxic positivity in its most prevalent forms。 5 stars。 This is a phenomenal book。 Not your typical pop psychology drivel。 Excellent， practical advice throughout from an expert who not only works as a real psychologist but also shares their expertise over social media。 I didn't know much about the book before I started reading it。 I thought it would be a history of MLM marketing or something。 A truly helpful dive into toxic positivity in its most prevalent forms。 5 stars。 。。。more
Amanda
，
This is the kind of book that you don't necessarily need to read the whole way through because not every chapter will apply to you。 The author states that up front。 The parts that speak to you however will really speak to you。Of course the focus of the book is toxic positivity。 What is it and how do we recognize it？ How can be tell if it's being used in a well-meaning or malicious way？ How do we react to it？ And also， how do we stop using it ourselves。 Most cases of toxic positivity aren't used This is the kind of book that you don't necessarily need to read the whole way through because not every chapter will apply to you。 The author states that up front。 The parts that speak to you however will really speak to you。Of course the focus of the book is toxic positivity。 What is it and how do we recognize it？ How can be tell if it's being used in a well-meaning or malicious way？ How do we react to it？ And also， how do we stop using it ourselves。 Most cases of toxic positivity aren't used to be hurtful but as a misguided attempt to be helpful。 Some are used as gaslighting tactics。 It can sometimes be hard to articulate why certain comments or phrases make us so upset or uncomfortable but this book really takes a deep dive into what to do about it and how to counteract it。 I hope that the message of this book makes its way to the well-meaning people who need to hear it。 。。。more
Maria
，
Goodman talks about the pressure to "be positive" even when in objectively bad situations。 This is a very reflective book， asking the reader questions and provided prompts for interacting with people and with themselves。 Have you ever asked someone ill or dying to put on a happy face because their pain made you uncomfortable？Why I started this book: Since reading Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America I've been looking for more books along this lin Goodman talks about the pressure to "be positive" even when in objectively bad situations。 This is a very reflective book， asking the reader questions and provided prompts for interacting with people and with themselves。 Have you ever asked someone ill or dying to put on a happy face because their pain made you uncomfortable？Why I started this book: Since reading Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America I've been looking for more books along this line。Why I finished it: Because of the quirks of library holds， I got this book immediately after The Expectation Effect: How Your Mindset Can Change Your World。 Which was an interesting and unintended buddy ready。 I agreed with parts of these opposite books and disagreed with others。 Which is fair， humanity and philosphy have been debating for centuries about how much we can control and how much is out of our hands。 。。。more
Gillian McGregor
，
I think this is a good book for anyone who’s never been to therapy。 It talks a lot about the basics of cognitive behavioural therapy。 My biggest take away was changing your perspective from a happiness driven life to a value driven life。 Pure manifestation is not always healthy and most of the time is for privileged people。 I enjoyed it， it just didn’t blow my mind。
Richard
，
DNF @ 35%。 I guess nonfiction is just not for me。 I found the subject interesting， but this book is very repetitive。 It seems like the author has made her point in the first couple of chapters and then just keeps reiterating them over and over again in the following chapters。 It may have changed further in the book， but I’m not all that interested to find out。
Andrea McDowell
，
I have a checkered history with self-help and pop psychology books that has led to a high， high bar。 I want science， but I also want empathy， and a social justice lens that sees the ways systemic issues make happiness and optimism challenging or impossible for some groups。 I want the author to be someone who has struggled with serious issues or real suffering; if they haven't， I want them to be clear-eyed about that fact and able to see it and appreciate the role luck has played in their lives。 I have a checkered history with self-help and pop psychology books that has led to a high， high bar。 I want science， but I also want empathy， and a social justice lens that sees the ways systemic issues make happiness and optimism challenging or impossible for some groups。 I want the author to be someone who has struggled with serious issues or real suffering; if they haven't， I want them to be clear-eyed about that fact and able to see it and appreciate the role luck has played in their lives。 Most importantly， I want them not to be advocating for strategies likely to expose their readers to greater harm。 I want a decent writer and minimal woo。 If they're offering strategies， I want them to be ones that could work， I want flexibility and generosity， I want them to be looking also towards larger changes that promote equality and make everyone's lives better。 And， well， here it is。 Friends， this is It。That it also happens to be on a subject near and dear to my heart is a bonus。 A huge bonus。 But still。Look -- I'm a type 1 diabetic single parent of a disabled teen with a very rare genetic condition， who comes from a family rife with serious mental health issues， personality disorders， abuse， addiction and neglect， and I work in climate change。 In each and every one of those， toxic positivity has been the bane of my existence。 Every single one has been hand-waved away by people claiming that all I/we need is a positive attitude， and I know I've been excluded because of my 'negativity。' Very little is as enraging as feeling the requirement to be cheerful about issues and situations that cause you genuine and reasonable despair。 I was prepared to appreciate the author's message on this basis （and I'm so happy not to have been disappointed）。 If we're going to solve climate change， you know what？ We need to be able to confront and feel some really terrible and dark emotions。 We need to be prepared and able to go to some hard places。 We need to be able to acknowledge that we are already in that hard place。 But our culture is so stuck on Happiness and Positivity that not only do we， I believe， shut down conversations on the reality of climate breakdown because it's a bummer， but we punish the people working to solve it because they're Debbie Downers。 And then get angry at them when they haven't fixed it already。 It's a poisoned mess。That Goodman writes clearly and well on how toxic positivity works， the damage it causes， and the alternatives （which does not mean being negative all the time but does mean realizing the importance of negativity when appropriate）， is the most important thing; that she also does so while acknowledging the special harms toxic positivity poses to those experiencing discrimination was an unlooked-for blessing。 Particularly given that her come-to-jesus story was about how she learned better in her work with chronically ill and disabled people， after seeing how damaging toxic positivity was there especially; Goodman writes with knowledge and sensitivity on issues like inspiration porn and 'overcoming' that I have previously only seen from disabled writers writing for a disabled audience。 It's four stars rather than five because we can't do half stars， and because I didn't personally learn much new from it; but it's very clear to me that many/most people would learn a great deal and our societies and world would be greatly improved if more people did。 So please read it。 Particularly if this feels confronting and you don't see the harm with phrases like "happiness is a choice，" "good vibes only" or "the only disability in life is a bad attitude。" 。。。more
Ilyssa Marks
，
Wow - I CANNOT recommend this book enough！！ As a therapist， I am generally weary of self-help type books。 Clearly， I just haven't been reading the right ones。 This book hit home on both a professional and a personal level in so many ways。 Toxic Positivity expertly dissects the harm behind the "good vibes only" culture that society so desperately pushes， and validates the normal and inevitable challenges of life。 Don't be fooled - this book does not simply reject the idea of positive thinking or Wow - I CANNOT recommend this book enough！！ As a therapist， I am generally weary of self-help type books。 Clearly， I just haven't been reading the right ones。 This book hit home on both a professional and a personal level in so many ways。 Toxic Positivity expertly dissects the harm behind the "good vibes only" culture that society so desperately pushes， and validates the normal and inevitable challenges of life。 Don't be fooled - this book does not simply reject the idea of positive thinking or gratitude altogether。 Rather， Whitney explains the importance of being able to understand and accept difficult situations and emotions， while simultaneously providing a refreshing and validating view on "positivity" and "gratitude。" I downloaded this book on Audible， and within the first half hour of listening， I immediately ordered a hard copy - knowing I would want to highlight， annotate， and refer back to this book with my clients often。 Whitney's writing is authentic， genuine， and relatable。 The book is the perfect blend of Whitney's clinical and personal experience， coupled with academic research and easy-to-understand/applicable strategies for the reader to apply in their daily lives。 。。。more
Molly
，
Love the topic of toxic positivity and its validity。 It is a must read for therapists in particular。 And we all benefit from being more helpful to others and more effective communicators。 I'd love a therapy session with Whitney。 Love the topic of toxic positivity and its validity。 It is a must read for therapists in particular。 And we all benefit from being more helpful to others and more effective communicators。 I'd love a therapy session with Whitney。 。。。more
Dara
，
I could write down a hundred sentences from this book that I’d like to keep to refer back to at different times。 I’d also like to take twice that many and give them to other people！
Btursell
，
Excellent examples of why positivity is not always the best way to handle a situation and what to do in those situations。
Sanne
，
A very good and informed book that is certainly not a plea for more negativity， but one for allowing all sorts of feelings to just be， and living your life based on values rather than pursuing happiness。
James
，